Is Chivalry Dead?

I was talking to my daughters recently about chivalry.

Opening a door for a woman. Pulling out her chair before she sits down.  Walking around the car and opening the passenger door for your girlfriend or wife. Giving up your seat.  Helping her with her coat.

All things that seemed pretty normal when I think back to my grandparents generation.  Even with my parents, a lot of it was still there.

It got me wondering.

What happened to it

And maybe the better question is whether my generation helped kill it.

Because I'm definitely guilty.

I remember when getting into a car with a girl was an entirely different process.

You walked to the passenger side, put the key in the door, unlocked it and opened the door for her.

Then, while you were walking around the front of the car, if you were lucky, she'd reach across the seat and unlock your door for you.

Maybe that was her version of chivalry.

Or maybe it was the first test to see if she was the one. LOL.

Either way, it wasn't some big romantic gesture. It was just something you did for each other.

Then along came power locks and eventually the remote.

Click.

Both doors unlocked.

She can get in. I can get in. Problem solved.

I'm obviously not blaming the key fob for the death of chivalry, but it does make me wonder how many little gestures disappeared simply because we didn't need to do them anymore.

What Does Chivalry Actually Mean

I looked it up because I wanted to make sure I wasn't just romanticizing something from the past.

The word goes all the way back to the ideals associated with medieval knights, but today it's generally used to describe honorable, courteous and generous behavior, particularly the kind traditionally shown by men toward women.

When you take away the knights, horses and armor, what we're really talking about is how we choose to treat another person.

And before anybody gets excited, I'm certainly not suggesting women aren't capable of opening their own doors.

Of course they are.

Laura doesn't need me to pull out her chair.  My daughters don't need a man to carry something for them. They are perfectly capable of doing those things themselves.

That's not the point.

The point is that someone chooses to do it.

Maybe that's the part we've forgotten.

Having Daughters Makes You Think About This Stuff

As my daughters have gotten older, I've found myself paying more attention to the kind of men they meet.

I'm not expecting some guy to ride up to the house on a horse wearing armor.  Actually, if that happens, we probably have bigger problems.

But I hope they notice the little things.

Does the guy they're with open a door or walk them to the car.  When he meets their family, does he introduce himself and look people in the eye.  Can he put his phone away during dinner and actually have a conversation.

I hope they pay attention to how he treats people who can do absolutely nothing for him.

How does he speak to the waitress.  Does he say please and thank you.  Does he offer to help someone without being asked.

None of those things individually tell you whether someone is a good man.

Someone can open every door in the world and still be an asshole.

But the little things tell you something.

I've learned over the years that character tends to show itself in small moments long before you need it for the big ones.

Maybe We Got Chivalry Wrong

The world has changed a lot since my grandparents were young, and plenty of those changes were necessary.

Men and women are equals.  A woman does not need a man doing things for her because she's incapable of doing them herself.

But somewhere along the way, I wonder if we started confusing independence with not needing to do nice things for each other.

I can completely respect a strong, independent woman and still hold the door open for her.

I'll hold it for the guy behind me too.

Maybe chivalry does not need to be some outdated set of rules about what a man is supposed to do for a woman.

Maybe it's simply consideration.

Thinking about someone besides yourself.

And when I think back to that old car door, it actually went both ways.

I unlocked her door.

She reached across and unlocked mine.

Neither of us had to do it.

We were just thinking about the other person.

Maybe that's a better definition of chivalry than anything I've found in a dictionary.

Doing something for somebody simply because you thought about them.

I'm Guilty Too

It's easy for me at 55 years old to sit here and complain that young guys don't do this stuff anymore.

But how consistently do I.

I open doors. I try to be courteous. I was raised to say please and thank you.

But do I walk around the truck every time and open Laura's door.

No.

When was the last time I pulled out her chair at a restaurant.

I actually had to think about that one.

That's probably the problem.

I don't think we consciously decided these things didn't matter anymore.  I think life just got easier and faster.

Remote locks.  Automatic doors.  Push button starts.  Phones.  Apps that let us order almost anything without even speaking to another person.

Convenience is great.

But convenience also has an interesting way of eliminating little moments of effort.

And maybe effort is what this is really about.

Holding the door takes two seconds. Walking someone to their car takes another minute. Putting your phone away when someone is talking to you costs nothing.

None of it is difficult.

You just have to think about doing it.

So, Is Chivalry Dead?

I don't think it is.

And I don't think we need to go back to every rule from our grandparents generation either.

But maybe some things are worth keeping.

Opening the door. Pulling out the chair. Walking her to the car.  Offering your coat when she's cold. Looking someone in the eye when you're talking to them.  Saying please and thank you.

Making an effort when you don't have to.

Maybe that's what I want my daughters to recognize when they're deciding what makes one man different from another.

Don't just listen to what he says.

Pay attention to how he treats you.

Pay attention to how he treats your family.

And especially pay attention to how he treats people when there's absolutely nothing in it for him.

Because I think that's where you learn a lot about somebody.

And maybe tomorrow when Laura and I walk out to the truck, instead of hitting the unlock button from 30 feet away, I'll walk around and open her door.

Not because she needs me to.

Maybe the fact that I don't need to is exactly what makes it worth doing.