Playing Catch-Up

 There are moments on vacation that remind me just how much my life has changed.

Not because of where I am.

Because of who I am.

There was a time when my wife would pack up the girls and head north without me.

Work always came first.

There was always another customer.

Another meeting.

Another reason why I couldn't leave.

At the time, I convinced myself I was doing the right thing.

I was providing.

Building a career.

Making sure everyone had what they needed.

Looking back, I realize they needed me more than they needed one more day at work.

For the last four years, that's changed.

I've gone every year.

And every year I enjoy it a little more.

I still joke about not liking the beach.

I complain about the sand.

But if I'm honest.

I think I've figured it out.

Give me a comfortable chair.

A little side table.

An umbrella.

A cooler full of snacks because somehow the girls never bring anything they actually need.

A good book.

A swim in the lake.

That's a pretty good day.

But none of those things are why I love being there.

I love watching Laura.

The beach is her happy place.

She smiles differently there.

She relaxes.

She laughs more.

Watching someone you love completely at peace is a pretty incredible thing.

Then there are the evenings.

Cooking together at the cottage.

Everyone gathered around one table.

Friends stopping by for a day or two.

Stories.

Laughter.

Watching the girls with their friends.

The sunsets.

Those might be my favourite part.

Every night we would stop what we were doing and head to the beach.

The sky never put on the same show twice.

We would all pull out our phones not to disappear into them, but to capture something we knew we would want to remember.

Then we'd sit around a fire made from driftwood and just be together.

That's what I remember.

Not the schedule.

Not the work.

Just the people.

One thing I'm especially grateful for is that I've built businesses that don't fall apart because I leave for a week.

I can still answer a customer.

Set up a sauce delivery.

Help someone buy a vehicle.

But none of it owns me anymore.

That's a freedom I never really understood until I had it.

I still feel like I'm playing catch-up.

Like I'm making up for years I wasn't fully there.

Maybe I always will.

And if I'm honest.

I'm not perfect yet.

The last night of our trip, I stayed behind.

I was tired.

I turned on the TV while everyone else went to watch the sunset.

When Laura came back and showed me the pictures, I felt it immediately.

Disappointment.

Not because I missed another sunset.

Because I missed being beside her.

Sometimes I still slip back into old habits.

Sometimes my brain still tells me to retreat instead of engage.

As the trip was winding down, I could also feel something else creeping in.

Anxiety.

The thoughts about going home.

About work.

About making everything happen again.

I got short.

Laura thought I was upset with her.

I wasn't.

I was wrestling with my own mind.

That's something I'm still learning.

Vacation doesn't magically erase who we are. 

It just gives us the opportunity to notice it.

The good parts.

The parts we're still working on.

And maybe that's okay.

Because this trip wasn't about perfection.

It was about being present far more than I used to be.

It was about watching Gracie celebrate her nineteenth birthday with her friends.

Watching Ella laugh.

Watching Laura enjoy the place she loves most.

Making memories around a dinner table.

Around a fire.

Around another sunset.

I'm still playing catch-up.

But at least now...

I'm finally in the game.